We talk about being in or out of love. When we’re in love, it’s butterflies and falling into the perpetual brain haze of burn baby burn. When we’re out of love, it’s pain and emptiness, pangs of horniness and how much we want to kill Nat King Cole’s ‘L-O-V-E’.

And while this notion of love is exciting, poetic, it limits us in the way we do love. Let’s consider bell hooks’ idea of returning to love as an action.

When we refer to love as a feeling we confuse it with the chemical tides of attraction, safety, cathexis, lust. However, feelings exist in a constant flux. If we understand love to be something unpredictable and destabilising, it’s no wonder that we have built a culture on insecurity and fear. We run with the myth that when you’re in love, it should feel innately effortless and easy. These are only measures of magnetism or compatibility; loving the same ratio of hot-sauce on your tina does not equate to soul-mate sparks.

When we think of love as an action – a commitment to growing ourselves and others – it becomes dependable, healing and beautiful; love becomes transformative. When we examine our relationships with this new understanding of love, we are often confronted by the love and lovelessness spanning our lifetimes. The haerenga is difficult and exhausting, and we are forced to look at former and perhaps existing periods of lovelessness. However, we will also see the abundance of love that has allowed us to mourn periods of trauma and given us the space and security to thrive.

With the knowledge of how we love and how we are loved, we can seek to improve our connections with our friends, our whānau and our communities. Upon our reflections, we’ll all be able to love better: to be active and conscious lovers in our relationships.

So when you’re reading this today, on an arbitrary holiday sensationalised by capitalism, send your roses or don’t – but take a moment to reflect on the love you receive and the love you give. Ask yourself how much you foster growth for others, and how much those around you nurture your haerenga. The more we understand love and how to love, the more we can practise it and enjoy it

Here’s a playlist curated by those I love and yours truly, for you to keep on loving. Single, partnered or multiple-partnered, here’s to loving hard and well and remembering to have fun along the way.

Aroha mai, aroha atu.

Header Image: Danya Yang