Mike Sorrentino has a new book coming out titled Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore. Man. Seriously. I actually refuse to accept he’s a real person.

Here are some passages from the book, courtesy of Jezebel:

From a section titled ‘Beverages’:

Personally, my favorite drink in the club is anything given to me for free, because I’m famous. For those who must purchase their own, here’s what I recommend:

Top Five Club Drinks

1. Vodka and ice

2. Vodka and Red Bull

3. Vodka and Vitaminwater

4. Vodka Smoothie

5. Devotion Vodka (which is the only vodka to include protein and is endorsed by yours truly. I got your back, bro.)