How to Do Stuff with the Billy Ts

The Billy T nominees teach you how to do stuff

Now in its 18th year, The Billy T - an award that recognises outstanding talent by emerging stand-ups - is reaching a kind of adulthood. This year is one of its strongest years yet, and despite the tame variation on middle-class white dude, it's one of the more diverse in terms of comedic stylings.

Next week, you'll have a chance to see all the nominees' solo shows, and we highly recommend that you do. While we won't be reviewing them (read why here), we have pitted them against each other in another type of competition: to celebrate the Award's recent adulthood, we've asked each of the nominees to show us their best skill (think of it as the talent section in a beauty pageant). Joining us are 2014 Billy T winner Guy Montgomery and 2013 Billy T winner Rose Matafeo to judge.

Tim Batt on how to do your taxes

Guy: Tim, you managed to get some genuine tax-based content into your video which, while impressive, I will have to mark you down for. Nobody cares about taxes - except the government. What are you, Tim, a government agent? I sure hope not. You also lose points for promising a fire and cutting the tutorial without any evidence of a fire. People like fire, Tim, not taxes.

Rose: Tim, you look nice with glasses. A great look! I sort of zoned out when you talked about all that boring tax shit. so clearly you showcased your skill very well. I'd hire your cute butt as my accountant any day of the week. And then I'd ignore your emails.*

Tim's show, Tim Batt Explores the Human Experience plays Sat 25 April - Sat 16 May at Montecristo.

Nic Sampson on how to drink whiskey

Guy: Nic, I like you. I really do. You’ve got a great voice and your hair looks CGI in this video. My hair is thinning; your hair is rich with volume and texture. What is your secret? Is it hidden in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey?

Rose: I can't help but think Nic has failed miserably here. He didn't even get a sip of whiskey in that beautiful mouth of his. If I wanted to see the intervention of a rampant alcoholic, I'd go to my uncle's house. His hair looks nice though. Great volume. And lovely diction from that lovely mouth of his. But it's a no from me.*

Nic's show, National Treasureplays Tuesday 12 - Saturday 16 May at the Basement.

Hamish Parkinson on the art of sitting

Rose: Hamish, can I just say you look lovely in this video. I liked how you didn't talk, because to be honest I think you do a bit too much of that. I know we're friends, but sometimes it can just get...I don't know. It can get a bit much. You have a nice chest though. Real nice chest.

Guy: Good job, Hamish! I love the music, the room, your body, the chair selection. Everything about this video suggests it will be a home run - save for the fact we only get to see you transition from standing to sitting once.

If you promise a video dealing with the ‘Art of Sitting’ I want to see a variety of ways I can approach a chair. Not a variety of ways to splay myself in the chair. I’m standing while I write this and I blame you.*

Hamish's show, Fly or Die, plays Tuesday 12 - Saturday 16 May at the Basement.

Eli Matthewson on how to enjoy yourself on another Saturday at home alone

Rose: What a little cutie patootie. I think your hair has got to a really good length at the moment. You were indeed alone for the whole video, but my question is: who was filming it? A ghost? Someone who looks like a ghost? Because technically I should fail you. Still, you're probably the most ripped of all the nominees, so I'll let it slide.

Guy: Eli! Do you know what you could do on the weekend for a change of pace? Answer one of my phone calls for once. What’s going on with you man? When I first met you, it was all, 'I’d love to get a coffee with you, Guy', 'Yeah man, let’s totally go see a movie together.'

Now? I can’t get a look in. I saw you sneaking out of Avengers: Age of Ultron last week in a duffle coat and a cheese cutter. I was in the same screening as you man. I was literally a row behind you, I KNOW YOU SAW ME.*

Eli's show, Faith, plays Tuesday 12 - Saturday 16 May at the Basement.

Matt Stellingwerf on how to pass university

Guy: Matt, your video is scarily accurate and of the five options available, sticks to the point the best. You also used a great variety of locations which I admire. Always stretch your budget, that’s what I say and you’ve obviously learned. While post-production made it look as though you were in one building the whole time, I have it on good information you shot this video in four different countries on the taxpayer’s dime. I respect that… and I respect you.

Rose: As someone who has started a BA and never finished it because university is boring and full of basic bitches, I found this video incredibly informative. If only I had something like this before I lost my full scholarship because my GPA fell to below a B-. Sorry, I'm making this about me now. A+ for Matt. Lovely clothes, you look very nice.*

Matt's show, Psychobabbleplays Monday 11 - Saturday 16 May at the Classic.

Read by Category

The Pantograph Punch publishes urgent and vital cultural commentary by the most exciting new voices in Aotearoa.

The Pantograph Punch publishes urgent and vital cultural commentary by the most exciting new voices in Aotearoa.

Your Order (0)

Your Cart is empty