Astrologer, hot girl and Indigenous prophet, Tayi Tibble, consults the stars, just like her ancestors did, in order to a) roast you and b) help you look hot while navigating the treacherous yet tropical seas of 2000s revival fashion, this hot girl summer.
Aries: The Louis Vuitton x Dan Carter rugby ball bag
Aggressive, ostentatious and fashion forward, the Louis Vuitton x Dan Carter rugby ball bag is for you, Aries. The ball-shaped purse is limited edition, costs $18,3437,113,000, and is only available in Japan; if anyone is able to acquire this bag via sheer forceful will and aggressive determination, it is definitely an Aries. This bag has attracted its fair share of detractors, but Aries pays no mind to the dull and dreary. Aries is a leader, and eats sheep like a dragon. Aries takes charge, and leads the world to new fashionable horizons with a hot-headed war-like focus that may or may not look like violence to others. Lady Gaga is your archetypal Aries. Match this bag with bike shorts and dad sneakers, for a hot, sporty, ready-to-fight kind of look and start your hot girl summer with your head held high, as if we did win the World Cup. Besides, what says me me me I am number 1 more than a novelty bag monogrammed with money money money all over it? An Aries of course.
Louis Vuitton and Dan Carter rugby ball, Louis Vuitton, $????? but there is one on ebay for $10,835.68
Taurus: Water bottle/keep cup
It is important for a Taurus to stay hydrated and luxurious, so an elegant water bottle or keep cup is the perfect accessory to ensure Tauruses are out here looking a) dewy and b) like they have their life together. This is a hot girl necessity because while Venus-ruled Taurus has that whole smouldering, stubborn, stoic, sexy, sensuality going on, Taurus also has mad ‘I’m baby’ vibes as well as an oral fixation, and needs something to suckle. Basically, the keep cup is a sippy cup, but with a sophisticated and grown-up edge. Plus, Taurus is an earth sign and to quote philosopher Paris Hilton, “That is Earth. It’s hot. Don’t pollute.” With the exception of belly chains, nothing is sexier than eco-consciousness this season and all three – trend, weather and biblical/end of world forecasting – predict that caring about the environment will be sticking around for a couple of seasons. Invest now, and see yourself looking stylish right throughout spring/summer autumn/winter until all the seasons blur together in a hectic end-of-world mess that kills us all. Slay.
Frank Green reusable coffee cup in dusty pink, Frank Green, $42.95
Gemini: Nameplate jewellery
While we wait for the state to implement a law wherein Geminis (and Pisces) are legally required to clearly identify themselves as their astrological sign for the benefit and safety of others, nameplate jewellery is your current best option to self-identify as the maniac that you are, while also exercising a polite and fashionable mindfulness towards your fellow human beings. Ruled by the planet of communication, Gemini loves words, debate, arguing, trolling; it’s literally what pumps their blood and gives them their devilish rosy complexion. Therefore, nameplate accessories are the most effective and stunning way to emphasise their overwhelming intellectual-superiority complex. I’m an intellectual. I have words on my hairclips. Represented by the twins, Gemini is known for having multiple personalities as well as no idea who they are, or what they want on any given day, so I’d recommend that Gemini acquires a range of nameplate jewellery to suit any mood or outfit. Angel or devil? Sweet or sexy? Boys or girls? And – if you still can’t decide which of your 2-628,929 personalities to be on a single given day – guess what? Layering is in.
Teine & Seki clip set, Taimana Boutique, $20.00
Cancer: Tinted rimless glasses
Tinted rimless glasses give the impression of a crab-like shell, but the fragility of the lens will point out that, also like a crab, you can easily be stabbed with a stick and roasted. During this hot girl summer, your penchant for rose-tinted glasses and believing the best of people probably won't protect you from fuckbois or UV rays, but these 2000s-era frames are the perfect accessory for pretending you’re okay. The sheer lens is perfect for passive-aggressively letting your loved ones know that they are heartless terrible people because they didn’t vibe check you over the smallest emotional shift/dimming of lights in the room that only you, and maybe a Pisces, would ever notice. Your big beautiful baby eyes can fill up with tears and roll soulfully, while you look the other way, and say “I’m fine” and angrily hope someone will get past your defensive exterior and recognise the true watery depths of your complicated and poetic feelings. So, Cancer, tinted rimless glasses are THE must-have accessory for your hot girl summer: equal parts delicate, fragile and feminine; also providing the perfect cool exterior to hide behind, while emotionally traumatising others in the name of sensitivity.
The Library is Open clear glasses, Dollskill, $22.85
Leo: Euphoria-inspired make-up
Drama, scandal and spotlight. Maddy Perez on ecstasy in a hall of mirrors saying, “Not only do I look good, I f*cking feel good.” Nothing says “look at me” more than a dozen stick-on diamantes on your face.The world is your light-up dance floor and you might as well be the disco ball. A thousand hands up in the air and a thousand hands covering their eyes and calling you tacky are essentially the same thing. This look will elicit both applause and side eye but what’s the difference to a Leo? Attention is attention. The secret behind Euphoria-style makeup is that it’s concerningly easy to do, and requires a lot less skill, effort, or accuracy than you’d think. And we all know Leos love getting the most for the least. It’s all about glitter that can be applied with your fingers. Make a mistake? Stick a jewel on it. Euphoria-inspired makeup is going to be the biggest beauty trend this party season and, in keeping with its Leo boldness, it won’t look out of place amongst the NYE fireworks, confetti, glitter and vomit. And if anyone can pull it off in front of a forced audience of admirers, that’s you, Leo.
Urban Decay, Heavy Metal Glitter Gel in Party Monster, Mecca, $36
Practical and streamlined, with an air of elitism. Virgos are all about efficiency and planning ahead. Virgos will have done all their spring cleaning early (in Virgo season) leaving them with prepared, spontaneous spare time this hot girl summer to partake in their favourite relaxing activities of working, criticising and serving up cold dishes of unsolicited advice. Not only are AirPods a stylish and practical take on the frivolous ‘earring’, they’re also hands-free, so you can make and take work calls while simultaneously organising your bookshelf by all 120 hues of the Martian Colour Wheel, or berate your loved ones remotely for washing the bathroom with a multipurpose spray. But the one thing you won’t be able to criticise, Virgo, is the flawless dynamic design of the Apple AirPods. Finally, a functional and fashionable summer accessory that will actually meet your impossible standards of perfection.
Apple AirPods, 2nd Gen, Noel Leeming, $278.99
Libra: 2000s mini-bag
Libra, you struggle with trying to be everything to everyone. You are constantly overfilling your metaphorical kete and spreading yourself too metaphorically thin. This is why a Y2K-style mini bag is the essential accessory for your hot girl summer. With this bag, preferably in PVC or alligator, you will be forced to draw the line somewhere… simply because this bag physically cannot fit all of your people pleasing, indecision and impulse purchases. This sexy look will force you to make a decision about who you truly are, what you truly want and what is truly essential: lipgloss and your sugar daddy’s credit card. Libras also struggle with being perceived as shallow, superficial and vapid, and the impractical nature of a bag you can’t even fit your iPhone Max inside will likely emphasise this. Sorry to this man. But you will look v cute, and the hottest thing you can do this hot girl summer is to riiise and shiiine regardless of how others see you. You are destined to embrace this side of you.
Baguette in black patent croc, Georgia Jay, $390
Scorpio: Diamante G-string
It is to their great, mysterious displeasure that everyone associates Scorpios with being the freaks of the zodiac. Scorpio would prefer it if, like a Virgo, their taste in the kinky pleasures of the world was kept violently repressed and hidden. Too bad their smoky, across-the-room, bedroom eyes continuously give them away, exposing their intense emotional souls. This is why the diamante G-string is the perfect accessory to their hot girl summer. It can be hidden, worn under black jeans and a sullen but sexy disposition, like a naughty secret. Alternatively, if a Scorpio is feeling particularly alienating, aggressive and wild (as they often are), the diamante G-string can be exposed over a denim mini, hitched up over the hip, real Y2K bad-gal style. Scorpio will feel this hot girl summer accessory on a karmic level, as its tramp-stamp placement resembles that of a scorpion tail.
Horoscopez Dressed to Kill Thong in Scorpio, Dollskill, $38.09
No one does faux intellectual hippie with your determined fire-sign force than you, Sagittarius, which is why tie-dye is the perfect summer essential to accessorise your philosophical raving. And now, since tie-dye has been group drumming all over the runways this year – Proenza Schouler, Missoni, Stella McCartney, Prada – it is no longer exclusively for surfers, stoners and white people with dreads. Instead, tie-dye is now high fashion and can be acceptably worn in places and situations other than Burning Man or the beach. Saggitarius is the sign most in need of freedom and constant changes of scenery, so don your tie-dye designer tee and see it take you to upscale yoga, mountain retreats, the skatepark, ‘asian-fusion’ restaurants, NYE parties, and dirrty clubs with wild swag and a peaceful elegance.
Prada tie-dye knit sweater, Farfetched, $1132
Capricorn: Sport 47
A book is the perfect accessory to emphasise your classic ‘fuck off’ vibes while still allowing you the opportunity for a flirty hot girl summer. Potential summer flings will be drawn to your soulful, scanning eyes which you can theatrically lift in a sultry, Moccona kind of way, to either narrow in disgust or bat at a potential daddy. A hot book will emphasise your persistent need to express your intellectual superiority, a need that rivals that of a Gemini. Books have become the must-have accessory among supermodels; both Bella Hadid and Kendall Jenner have been spotted sporting a sexy paperback during their candid pap-snaps and skinny vacations in Malibu. As an earth sign, it is also hot and important to you to be ethical, so say no to fast fashion and support local designers. You can do this by picking up a copy of Sport 47 (VUP, 2019), which has been certified as the pukapuka of the hot girl summer.
Sport 47, Victoria University Press, $30
Aquarius: Fashionable chaps
The perfect accessory to giddy up and transcend this mortal plane. Nothing says No one understands me. I’m a lone cowboy like a pair of fashionable chaps.Think less John Wayne and more Christina Aguilera in Dirrty. Think of all the I.AM.GIA and Coachella girls of the world. Think Lil Nas. Think Solange. Think, of course and most importantly, Megan Thee Stallion, a full-blooded Aquarius and full-blooded hot girl, the originator of the hot girl summer and frontwoman of The Yeehaw Agenda. Sure, chaps are a bold, hearty look which may elicit some quintessential Kiwi side eye, but you’re used to people WTFing at you. Besides, you are an individual, and nothing if not original. If anyone is able to have the cold detachment and true inner confidence to pull off such a hot statement look, that is you, Aquarius. A true bad bitch.
J Valentine teal snake fringe belted chaps, Dollskill, $144.73
Pisces: Bucket hat
A bucket hat is essentially the hot-girl equivalent of a tin-foil hat, meaning it is the perfect accessory to rock while enjoying your favourite relaxing activities of watching conspiracy-theory videos on YouTube and getting so overwhelmed by the collective minutiae of being human that you astral project out of your body. Not only is a bucket hat swag, but it will also provide an extra layer between your thoughts and the satellite that you know has been following you since you were five years old. Not only is a bucket hat skux, but it’s also sunsmart and responsible, which is essential, especially given the fact that this hot-girl summer just might be the hottest summer on record.
Manu bucket hat, Foresight Clothing, $45
The Pantograph Punch publishes urgent and vital cultural commentary by the most exciting new voices in Aotearoa.
The Pantograph Punch publishes urgent and vital cultural commentary by the most exciting new voices in Aotearoa.